


you weren't there when i was scared

by angelica_barnes



Category: Ed Sheeran (Musician), One Direction (Band), Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Anger, Interviews, Mentions of past abuse, Multi, harry and taylor are siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 01:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14461863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica_barnes/pseuds/angelica_barnes
Summary: years after their careers come to a close, one direction and their family give some revealing interviews.let's just say modest is going down the drain after this.





	you weren't there when i was scared

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from "Losing Grip" by Avril Lavigne
> 
> based off :
> 
> Take Me To Church - Hozier  
> Human - Rag'n'Bone Man  
> How To Save A Life - The Fray

_ Zayn Malik : _

 

“Um… am I actually allowed to say? God, that shows just how much they affected us, doesn’t it? I’m thirty-two years old and married to the love of my life with four daughters, and I’m still afraid to tell the truth. Funny, how your mind thinks after it’s been through what mine’s been through?

They, uh, they weren’t pleasant. God knows that, Liam does, that’s for sure. Yeah, I think he suffered the worst -

Who’s Liam to me? Oh, he’s my husband. Yeah, the fans weren’t that crazy, were they? Hell, they often knew more than we did. Sometimes I think it’s no wonder that Modest wanted us to behave the way we did.”

 

 

-

 

“I was never allowed to be alone with Liam. Same with the Tomlinsons, Harry and Louis. And not even Niall - Niall’s not even into boys, so heaven knows why he was hidden! His wife, Esme, you’ll have met her. She wasn’t able to see him… I remember more than once, we had to sneak her in.

I’ve never broken the law. I’m not that bad boy they wanted me to be, I never was. I was just this quiet, scared little kid who wore black and white because sometimes I wanted the world to be that way. I’ve only ever told Liam that…

And yeah, I do think that they should be punished for what they did. For hiding us, for manipulating us… like Harry, what about Harry?

No, I can’t tell you that. That’s his business.”

 

 

-

 

“No, I didn’t leave. I was actually happy there, or as happy as I could be. I had my boys, my brothers, and I had Liam. They fired me. Didn’t know they could do that, honestly, but they could. So after they figured out that Liam had proposed to me and I wouldn’t marry Perrie, they told me to pack my things and go.

And don’t think for a moment that they didn’t try to protect me. God, they did. It nearly got us all kicked to the curb, but I couldn’t do that to them. So I told them to back down, that I’d be alright.

Liam cried when I kissed him goodbye.

They forced us apart, me and my boys, for over a year. After I left, I made music because it was the only familiar thing that I was allowed to do. I never liked touring, too many people, but then I missed it. It would’ve been comforting, I guess, to see how many faces showed up. How many hearts actually knew the truth and cared about it.

About us.”

 

 

...

 

_ Liam Payne : _

 

“Yeah, I don’t know.

What don’t I know? Well, mainly why this is happening. Of course, I’ve always been a bit clueless. Zee tells me I’m not, but I know I am. Just a little bit.

Um, they used to…

They used to hit us. Mostly me. Sorry, I need to speak up? Um, they would hit us if we did something “wrong”. Like that day that Harry and Louis left behind too much physical evidence of their nightly… activities, and that time that Niall was caught trying to smuggle Esme inside his hotel room, and when Zayn snuck over to my room with the boys and some fans got pictures of us.

It didn’t always hurt too much. Truth is, as we grew up, we probably could’ve overpowered some of them. But we were too afraid at that point, too set on the impossibility of the situation. Back then, we held onto each other for dear life.

I’m not sure even management could’ve made us let go.”

 

 

-

 

“Zayn? Oh yeah, we’ve been married for… ten years, I think? We’ve never done big things for our anniversaries, so. We fell in love a little after Harry and Lou - no, that’s not right. We found each other after them, but we actually fell in love before them.

As much as the fandom believes in Harry and Louis more than us, Zayn and I were actually treated just as bad. Just in different ways - whereas Louis had to date El for longer, Zayn was almost forced into a marriage with one of our best friends - no, don’t think for a second that we don’t love anyone involved with us.

The Little Mix girls, and El, we love them. Ed too, and Taylor? I’ll let Harry explain that one. It’s part of  _ his _ story, after all.

Not mine. Zayn is my story.”

 

 

-

 

“I actually wasn’t the one who was most affected by Zayn leaving. I mean, I was miserable, obviously, but I still knew I had him. And our daughter, Alexandria, whom we’d adopted shortly before he was taken away from me.

I think it hit Niall the hardest. I think he felt, a little bit, like maybe it was his fault? I mean, I don’t know for sure, but he always sort of felt guilty that he didn’t exactly have to go through the same things as us. I always told him that he wasn’t to blame, and that he had it just as bad, but I guess he didn’t believe me.

We were all a wreck without Zayn. I couldn’t help wanting to talk about him everywhere we went, and I read some bullshit articles - they said that Louis and Zayn had a fight? That I was the only one speaking to Zayn now?

Hell no. Louis had just lost one of his best friends, and Harry wasn’t really crying as much as he wanted to - he was bottling things up for Lou. And Niall was tired, usually, because we’d lost ways to contact Esme. There were days that we all wanted to give up - most days, towards the end. But we always pushed on, for Zayn. Most of that last album is for him.

_ A.M., What A Feeling, Infinity, Long Way Down, History _ … I don’t need to list them all for you. We wrote and sang them all for him, and so soon enough he was finding ways to call us up and it was more laughter than tears.

But all good things come to an end, don’t they?

We were lucky.”

 

 

...

 

_ Niall Horan : _

 

“Me? Well, to be honest, for the first few years, I was just looking for someone to love. I suppose I felt a little left behind, y’know? Not that my mates had done anything wrong, by falling in love with one another, no. I am and always will be their biggest supporter. Captain Niall Horan, again, another thing our “crazy” fans made up.

Sometimes I regret not fighting back, y’know? I can’t help feeling like maybe I could’ve helped, like I could’ve done something. Honestly, I probably would’ve just made it worse, but…

Liam told you that I thought it was my fault? Bastard, Zayn’s taught him too well. They’re all too good at reading people, at seeing things they aren’t supposed to see.

But it’s nice that he cares.

What am I saying, of course he cares!

Goddammit, I’m still insecure because of them.”

 

 

-

 

“I don’t like sleeping alone. It’s not a good look on me… there’ll be bags under my eyes and I’ll probably start mumbling things during interviews… like how Harry and Louis’ marriage happened, or the story of Zayn and Liam’s first kiss, or something about the amount of love I’ve got for Esme.

But after they figured out how much mischief the five of us would get into while together, let alone Harry and Louis or Zayn and Liam, they wouldn’t let us room together. So we were all sleeping separately.

I remember that they used to sneak in to see me. Zayn was always good at picking locks, while Lou knew how to lie, and Harry could charm the pants off anyone. Liam was the sensible one; he made sure that none of them - us - got caught. So we would actually all sleep on those nights.

Ed was actually a great help, too. He was the one who would send Esme the plane tickets, so she could come meet us after concerts and at dinners. I don’t know what we would have done without him.

Taylor? Goddammit, stop talking about Taylor. Harry’ll tell you, you’ll just have to wait.”

 

 

-

 

“In the end, I think Zayn leaving actually saved all of us. It helped us see that we were never going to be free unless we fought to get out of this. And it also helped us realize that we weren’t whole without all five of us there. I think, really, it was a blessing in disguise.

I prefer to think of it that way, in any case.

I don’t know how the others see it. I guess I’m one of the most optimistic? Harry can’t even beat me on his good days, but he tries. And yeah, most of our smiles were fake back then. At least on camera, because we actually loved being on stage. Except for Zayn, and even he enjoyed it sometimes.

Laughing helped me, in particular, get by. When Esme - who’s my wife now, if you didn’t know - couldn’t be there, and the boys and I were separated, grinning at someone’s unfunny joke was good for me. I laughed off a lot of things, so nobody would notice me hurting.

It’s funny how that works, isn’t it? Fooling someone into thinking you’re happy, and they only believe it because they want to.

Part of what I love about the fans, I guess. They saw through it all.”

 

...

 

_ Louis Tomlinson : _

 

“First off, yes, Harry and I got married in 2013. Me proposing to him was actually a bit of a spontaneous thing… but anyway, I’m not telling you that. I don’t mean to come off as rude, mate, but I think that’s a story that I want to stay private.

Yeah, the ring he always wears on his middle finger is his wedding band. I would wear mine, if I could, except I don’t really like rings much and… well… y’know. Management.  Fucking bastards.

El’s actually a great friend of mine, you see. She’s married to Perrie now… yeah, it’s a double bearding. El was my childhood best friend, and I called her when I was drunk one night and begged her to be my beard.

Um, it one of the few things that the fans got wrong, actually. About me hating El, I never did. It actually makes me laugh, because they’re always going on about how my smiles are fake when I’m with her, and I don’t love her, and blah blah blah.

Ha…

Far from the truth. I always have fun when I’m with her, and we do love each other, we’re just not  _ in love _ . Never were, really, because, y’know…

Both of us are gay.”

 

 

-

 

“No, no. None of those tweets, the angry ones at least, were sent by me. And I usually only found out after they were posted, so I’ll just say right now that I’m sorry for all of you that it upset.

I would never call my marriage bullshit. That was the one that affected me the most. When I got home, before I saw it, Harry was crying. He started screaming at me, he threw his ring and asked me if he was really nothing to me, and I was so confused. He wouldn’t believe me when I said I had no idea what he was talking about…

Eventually he shoved his phone in my face and I started crying too - don’t look at me that way. We don’t want your pity. We’re happy, and in love, with our two beautiful children and the best friends one could ask for. So neither of us wants your sympathy.

But thank you.

I really don’t mean to be rude… I’ve gotten defensive, being treated how I was.

We all have.”

 

 

-

 

“If Harry were in this room with me… I kinda wish he was… he’d probably tell me to sugarcoat it. He’ll probably soften every bit of information he gives you. So assume, just assume, that everything he says was harder on him than he lets you believe.

For instance… I’m sure you’ve been asking about Taylor. Probably been wondering why no one will give you a straight answer, why she’s a touchy subject.

Harry hadn’t been able to see his sister for years at a time. Yeah, Taylor Swift is actually Taylor Styles. Well, Taylor Sheeran now. Married Ed a little while back. 

But anyway. While we were in the band, he wasn’t allowed to see her. The bearding was a lucky breakthrough, but then things just got worse. The fans started hating on her, despite how much we tried to stop it, and Harry just felt hopeless. He was only able to call her, and only every once in awhile. Most of her songs are about him. And most of his are about her, like  _ Strong _ . Funny enough, it’s one of the songs the fans think is about me and Haz that isn’t.

So if he wants to tell you, that’s fine. But he’s got more empathy than self-pity, so he’ll tiptoe around the subject.

Thanks for listening. With my attitude and all. Just don’t push him, that’s all I ask.”

 

 

...

 

_ Harry Styles : _

 

“Lou’s probably asked you to be careful with me. They all have.

It’s your choice of whether to do so. I sincerely hope you choose to be kind. Most paps could learn a thing or two from Liam, and Zayn. He’s way sweeter than people think; he cares more than most of us.

I was just a little kid back then. The youngest. And the whole thing about me loving to flirt, that was no joke. I do enjoy it. But only for fun… my heart’s only ever belonged to Louis. I’m not a manwhore…

Me and my twin sister, age sixteen and made out to be sluts. How do you think that feels…

I’ve always loved Taylor more than anything. And she me. So don’t you think it hurt more, to see how the other was affected? I could’ve handled it if it was just me, but  _ no _ , they just had to attack my sister.

I loved 2013. It was one of the best years of my life. I married Louis with Taylor as my Maid of Honor, and I got to spend a ton of time with her. It was like heaven, and to have it all torn away, that’s something I don’t wanna talk about.

I don’t know what I would’ve done if we hadn’t had Ed. He means so much more than anyone thinks.

He’s our  _ best friend _ . All of ours.”

 

 

-

 

“All of Ed’s songs are for us.  _ Tenerife Sea _ , which I’m sure you’ve heard, is about me and Lou. And  _ Kiss Me  _ and  _ Perfect  _ are love letters from Zayn and Liam to each other.  _ Thinking Out Loud _ is for Ed and Taylor, he wrote it to her as a wedding gift. It was played for their first dance. And  _ Photograph  _ was written for all of our sake, just so we’d know that we would always have the good ol’ days.

My love for Lou isn’t a conspiracy. Nothing is. And all those fanfictions are really good, and so is the fanart - but whoever decided that me or Lou should end up with someone else, you’re insane. Even more so if you’ve ever had the train of thought;  _ Wow, Zayn and Perrie are adorable and Liam’s going to propose to Danielle. _

Actually, yeah, Danielle’s the only one we’ve got problems with. Used to abuse Liam, only adding onto the bruises he got from management while trying to protect us or himself. He’s the selfless one, the best out of all of us, and Zayn is beyond lucky to have him. Any person would be.

I hope that nobody’s insulted anyone so far. No, I don’t wanna speak up. My voice is tired, Mr. Interviewer. I’ll speak as low and slow as I want. As I’d like.

I’m not as fragile as they make it seem. I have a brain, you idiot.”

 

 

-

 

“I didn’t ask to be interviewed! Maybe I don’t wanna tell the world this stuff! It’s not as if you could help, it happened a long time ago and it’s over… maybe we got hurt, but we’ve healed ourselves. We’ve fixed each other.

_ You’ve  _ done nothing.

No, don’t tell me to quiet down. Don’t tell me to recount what happened. I’ll speak only if I want; I have the right to remain silent. Who cares if I’m not getting arrested or interrogated, it sure feels like it. So why don’t you just leave me alone, you dark little thing.

I’ve spent my life being told lies. Being left, being told I wasn’t good enough. I think I’ve proved that I can be happy. It doesn’t take money or stardom.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to talk to my husband. Maybe call my kids.

Don’t bother. Good day.”

 

_... _

 

_ Esme Forest : _

 

“I don’t really know much, actually... it’s not something they like to talk about, and I didn’t live through it like they did. I do remember Niall’s calls, though, almost every single one. He’d tell me about his day and what they did, and then sometimes I would talk to the others. They’re my best friends, you know.

How was it? Being the girlfriend of the most popular boybander in the world? I didn’t care much, honestly. I loved him and he loved me, and that was the end of it. For me, anyway. It took a long time for him to trust me, though… I had to propose to him, because he was so afraid of giving up his heart.

So I let him keep it. No need. Why should I want the extra weight in my back pocket when I already know he’s mine, body and soul. All I would’ve asked was that he trusted me, and he does that now, so what’s the point of dwelling on the past?

I love my husband. I have since I met him, and I love my children, both of whom look just like us. I’ve never needed money. I’ve only ever needed Niall’s love, which I got and still have, so I see no reason to talk about settled matters.

Don’t ask me about who he’s been with before. There’s only ever been me.

Yes, you have indeed hit a nerve.”

 

 

-

 

“I’m his wife, not his captor. I’ve gone through hell and back with him, over and over, and I don’t plan on leaving. My children will grow up to be as strong as their father, you know. They’re a lot like him. Brian is shy and Chry is loud, both traits that Niall’s had for years.

Is there a reason, that we’re doing this? Oh, you wanna protect us, is that it?

_ You don’t know us _ , you worthless son of a bitch.

What’re you gonna do, tell me you care? Why would you? All of you are the same, just trying to get a little bit of our money in your hands… well, some of us have heads.

Unlike you.

Maybe, if you’d just bothered to check in on us ten years ago, we wouldn’t have had to all come here.

My kids are scared for their father now, y’know. They used to not have a care in the world.

It’s your fault; everything is.”

 

 

...

 

_ Taylor Swift : _

 

“Yeah, I play a bigger role than you think. Harry is the world to me - no, Ed’s my everything. But I call him my husband.

I’ve always loved fame. I guess I was made for it? That’s what Harry always told me, especially in 2013, and once at his wedding when he was dead drunk and kept on mumbling about how I was “the lucky one”. I had no idea what he meant, at the time.

But I think that maybe it meant that I was always built for dealing with the media, because I’d always cared less about what others thought than he did. So I tried to protect him from the words “womanizer” and “heartbreaker”, but it’s hard when you’re halfway across the world and nobody likes to listen to you. Specifically the tabloids.

But the whole thing about me being a slut, that hurt. That hurt quite possibly more than anything I’ve ever been through; the only thing that’s ever beat it was seeing Harry called that. I love my brother more than life, and I will defend him to the end.

So don’t try and faze me. I can see you’ve been trying - haven’t you? You think I’m just another dumb blonde, don’t you?

Well.

You’re sorely mistaken.”

 

 

-

 

“I’ve got a son named Jack. And he looks nothing like me, spindly with blue eyes and brown hair, and he’s mute and blind, but I love him. And he isn’t mine nor Ed’s, we adopted him when he was a baby because I’m barren.

Sad, I know.

You don’t care, I know.

Sorry. I mean, I’m not, but I know how it feels to be yelled at. And Esme was giving you quite the beating, wasn’t she?

Oh yeah. I’m a very good eavesdropper. My husband will tell you. Just ask him when he comes in.

But a word of advice - don’t say a thing that’s less than lovely about me or Jack or anyone you’ve met this evening, because he will kill you. Ed’s one of the gentlest creatures I’ve ever come to know, but he’s fiercely protective of those he loves.

So am I; it’s one of the reasons we get along so well.

Anyway, I wouldn’t want to hold you up. I’ve got places to be that aren’t here, and a family to take care of. Maybe, in another universe, I would thank you for your time.

But I won’t.

You’ve taken mine, not the other way around.”

 

 

...

 

_ Ed Sheeran : _

 

“Suppose they’ve been talking about me a lot, huh?

Hm. Never did like gossip much. Though I suppose it’s all good things.

I’d probably say the same about them, really.

Y’know I used to write songs with them. Everybody knows that. But does anyone know how much I cared for them? Care for them?

Cause I was the one that took care of Liam whenever the beatings were so bad that he didn’t want Zayn to see. And I was the one that smuggled Harry calls from Taylor. And I would soften “Louis’” tweets and I would feed Niall on movie nights. And I was the one that held ‘em when Zayn left… I was the one who held Zayn.

Was just a replacement for Liam, really, but I knew that.

Point is, I care more about them than anyone really thinks. More than I let on, I guess. I’d protect them come hell or high water, and I love them. I love her.

Did my wife tell you about our son? Yeah, I thought she would.

Always did love to talk about him. Was so proud. Is.”

 

 ****-  
  


 

“It’s an ugly world out there, y’know. I write songs about lovers, but also about drug addicts…  _ The A Team  _ was written for Zayn, and a little for Louis, I suppose, but mostly for Zayn. Liam came to me in tears one night, blubbering about how Zayn was gonna die if he smoked much more…

I wanted to help.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, y’know. Help. Like Esme, and Taylor, and the fans, and their families and children and other halves.

But sometimes not enough turns into too much - like Zayn, who needs as much love as Liam gives him but none from Perrie, or like Tay, who only wants her brother and she’d be happy.

No, I’m not saying I don’t matter. Of course I matter.

She loves me.

And maybe that’s where you went wrong. You took five little kids and turned them into your puppets, so much so that they’re still afraid. Has it ever occurred to you what might’ve happened if Tay, Esme, and I hadn’t been around? Maybe they’d still be doing this. Maybe they’d be on top of the world.

And maybe they’d be dead.

See, that’s always been the difference between  _ you _ and  _ us _ .

You’re willing to take the risk.

We aren’t.”


End file.
